Okay so as some of you will know I recently went on holiday. It was great and I only managed to get sunburned on the last day, however something did happen that got me thinking about why I am the way I am. And this line of thought got me pretty depressed because I realised that there isn't much about me that I like. So to rid myself of these feelings I wrote it all down and now I will post it here for lack of anything else to post as I am really not that interesting. I'm like the IRL version of Ten-ten, only emo.

FROM HERE ON OUT I WILL BE EXTREMELY EMO. CONTINUE AT YOUR OWN RISK!!!

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One of my biggest character flaws is the fact that I care too much about what people think of me. It's so bad that even walking in the street I imagine that almost ALL the people I pass are giving me dirty looks and judging me. I know this is a very unhealthy idea to have and even if I had done anything to upset all these people I shouldn't care as they are probably strangers that I will never see or meet again. It IS impossible to please everyone and still be true to who I am and obviously I annoy the hell out of some people and they will probably hate me. But for me this has gone beyond trying to please people and has become quite a bad case of paranoia.

How I know this is simple. It's not just the people I WANT to like me that I imagine as judging me. Like I said it's everyone I see whether I want to know them or not. If I walk down a crowded street I imagine that about 60-90% of those people are looking at me and judging me and that they don't like what they see. In normal situations when I'm with people I'm close to or know well this is not a problem and I can usually convince myself that it's not important. However some of my interests lead me into situations where this paranoia becomes a big problem. I am mostly talking about anime conventions, open days and other such events where I am suddenly surrounded by strangers. Cons however are not as bad as they could be for me. This is because of the knowledge that pretty much everyone around me shares the same interest as me. In my head this makes it more likely that I will be accepted, however even in these situations when I should feel perfectly fine I can't help but cringe every time I try to be myself. Whenever I am completely honest with a person a part of me always thinks: "They think you're crazy, that smile they have on their face isn't because they like you, it's because they are scared of you and just want to keep you happy while they can back away and the run for help!".
I know none of this is true, I know I'm caring too much but I can't help it!!!

As for where all this came from, I'm not sure. But one of the earliest things I can remember is sitting in a circle with some girls in infant school making daisy chains. Suddenly one of the girls (who I had considered to be a friend) said that she wanted me to go away. When I tried to ask why and what I had done all the other girls said that they were bored with me and told me to leave as well. I KNOW!! It was INFANT school! Don't ask me why I remember it!!! I'm no even sure if it is relevant but I do remember that I had done the same kind of thing to my other friends to hang around with these other girls. Now I can see the irony and think that it was probably a lesson well learned.

Anyways, I have always felt that the opinion of those around me is very important. So it was hard when I went up to secondary school I was instantly hated for reasons that I have never found out. The only reason I can think of is that people saw that I cared and singled me out as a target knowing that I was vulnerable like that. So was the worst four years of my life. I learned lots of things both about myself and others through this, but the one thing that I failed to learn was that I needed to toughen myself to abuse and not care so much about what others think of me.

The thing is that I see all the qualities that I should have in my sister, it's like being two sides of a coin or two halves of the same person. We are at times very similar but in ourselves we are polar opposites. She is confident, I have uber low self esteem. We both have different approaches to things. Like I will often grasp the opportunity to remain invisible and unnoticed, I like to have that choice. She, on the other hand isn't pleased unless when she walks down a street people turn to stare at her!

I now sense that I am just going to keep rambling round and round in circles. So I will end this here.

Sorry for being a whiny little emo kid! I needed to get all of this out.
Gomen gomen!!!


Immy
xxx
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